there are some relatives comin 2 our house 2day. i dont even know them. thats cuz they r my cousins inlaws. my cousin and and her children r also comin. (i just hope they dont meddle with my things) i dont even like my sister touching my things.)(she likes wearing my clothes) she even wore 1 for IAP in sec 1. i dont mind her wearing my clothes. i just dont like her touchin my stuf. nywaez she doesnt. and she doesnt allow me 2 touch hers either(not even her erazer! ;-p) welll, big deal! who wants 2 use her rubbish nywaez . mom bought me eyeliner (though i wear make-up i never use eyliner.) actually she wanted me 2 stop wearing make-up .(fat hope)i told her that if she bought me eyeliner i would stop wearing make-up. she bought it for me(haha! still am wearing make-up =p) i dont like eyeliner!!! they suck! its ok for the chinese and malay gals cuz their eyes r kinda small and the dont have much eyelashes. they are kinda lucky that their eye lashes arent thick and long. sometimes i feel like cutting them off cuz when i wear spects they kind of touch the lence and part making a v shape and its kind of ticklish too. want 2 buy the stupid mind reader thing and c how it works. no time lleft. have to transfer math problems (my first copy looks like puke) lotsa stuff 2 do b4 skl starts gotta buck up.

pain..vampires..wolves...horses..

guess wat i have been aching like anything for the past 2 days after working out too much. i did toooo much push ups and it even ached when i tried to lift up my own hand!!! atleast my stomach doesnt ache that much. i lurve doing sit ups. they make me feeeel sooooo gooood. next time ill try not to push myself too much. i dont want 2 xperience another 1 of those muscle cramps. they suck the life outa me. speaking of sucking...i lurve vampires!! i think they r lyk sooo cool! lyk spike in buffy the vampire slayer and brad pit in an interview with a vampire!!! not exactly like them.... i like the ones with super shiny and slick black hair pale face and best of all those super sharp fangs. it would be better if they had their finger nails clean and shiny. even better if they were painted black!!! it would b totally awsome if they turn into a wolf instead of a bat and if they r not afraid of garlic. i love wolves and horses!!!! not any horse...black ones....dry legs to top it up....i dont mind the brown ones with a star on their foreheads.

lalala..

went 2 the library yesterday (with my parents, ofcourse) borrowed 8 bks for myself.

Barbarian by LYNNE EVING

Spin Control by NIKIBURHAM

Girl (nearly) 16: absolute torture by SUE LIMB

Jake Riley: irreparably damaged by REBECCA FJELLAND DAVIS

I capture the castle by DODIE SMITH

Telling Christina goodbye by LAURLENE MC DANIEL

Honey, Baby, Sweetheart by DEB CALETTI

Boston Jane: the claim by JENNIFER L.HOLM

i just love reading books. im kinda addicted to them. im also a student librarian in skl. unlike other peeps in skl, i get to borrow 6 bks (others only 4). this year i changed my cca, previously i was in choir now im in art club( its kina fun actually) choir was kinda stressful but it was fun also and u get more cca points. i was in soprano 1, actually. guess wat? this really awful thing happened wen i was in choir. i actually cried wen the lady asked me to sing all by myself cuz i was like scared. the other kids were lyk staring at me!! atleast some of them helped me with the situation. i wished i knew magic at that movement so i cud do that vanishing spell.

this week somethin unexpected happened, my dad actually bought me a doll! a real DOLL!

im actually 15 but i still like dolls. i dont own any. i dont mean barbie or bratz but those babie ones wit a their own rattles and prams. my dad used to buy those for me when i was like verry small. ive never owned barbies b4. the only barbie i owned was a bdae present from Neeraja, my friend back in India. i was never really interested in barbies newaez. but im interested i bratz now( i cant really buy them cuz my dad said that i have to give him $1 for every dollar i spend on them) he does not like them.

this is it!

ok! thats it. im sick n tired of being the 'clown' of the house. well if they do not know how 2 appreciate wad they have then they have to accept the fact that they r gonna lose it. i dont know if they know wat they are doing...but wat they had done had hurt me deeply...its not funny to hurt a person...cant they atleast think before they say something which wud hurt..wat do they take me for anyway. keeping on smiling even after they had uttered something to hurt me doesnt mean that im not hurt...to continue doing the same thing again n again.....this is crazy.....im not gonna...guess wat let me tell u 1 thing im sick n tired of living...i sometimes wish im better of dead....this is not fair...after u cum back from work, when i open the door ur like 'smile faiza'. then while traveling ur like 'dont keep ur face like that! smile!' then when i smile ur like 'smile like this. that looks so fake.' then when u expect me to laugh after telling some lame jokes u go 'when u laugh try to show ur teeth' i dont need to be told wat to do by u guys. im already fifteen for heavens sake i know the basics. n the basics are, dont do anything that would embarrass ur parents and make sure u obey them no matter wat ,and treat them like 'god'!!!! guess wat, all this while i have not been myself. i have been u!U! i am everything u wanted me to be( for the most part! )!the way i talk, the way i move the way i dress up, the way i present my self, the kind of shows i watch, the time i wake up, the shoes i wear, the things i think! everything! n now that i have started to think for myself u guys go 'what happened to our child!' and u guys show me the video u took when i was 3 and tell me 'that is my girl. that is faiza. we dont know who u r. i want my kid back.' it really hurts when u say these thing. so if im not ur kid then who am i ?

just fake!

each day passes by playing hours of computer games, neopets, reciting quran for 2 hrs, doing math and going out. is there something im missing. cuz i dont feel good at all. i mean doing all these....fun....but....there is something missing..im not sure wat it it is though...i think im missing skl. but im also quite sad that the hollidays r ending..ok im just kinda confused. got nothing interesting to post lately. i dont even feel like posting the interesting stuff. i just feel lyk a lion left in a jungle. lost...i think that i dont really fit in with my family..i feel really distant..i dont even recogniz myself...i used to be the 1 who allways obeys my parents no matter how rediculous they sound sometimes...but suddenly i find myself talking back to them...u just cant controll it it just bursts out..its like there is something inside me which wants to cum out but if it cums out something terrible will happen. im afraid of myself sometimes...im turning into someone i dont want to be...i dont want to hurt my parentsts feelings...but sometimes i just feel that i kind of feel happy doing that....its like something inide me is.....something which is trapped inside me is.....escaping....i really dont know hoe 2 expln this feeling. so im really trying to keep myself from being distant to them i laugh, i joke, i do all kinds of crap...but i cant try to change the fact that that is not me...wat i am turning into is not me...i like black cuz i can just hide in it...its like a mask..a few months before everything in my closset was black..all my clothes...hair bands..everything even the paintings i do will be all black wit all kind of dull colors..my pencil case was black..my bag was a dull color too...but then... i started to add some colors my closset is changing..my bag is sky blue.....but i just realiz that this person im turning into is someone who will be accepeted by eveyone...i fake smile, fake laughter...altogether i am fake...fake...FAKE!!!